The Life,Musings and Experiences of a Modern Witch

Well…That was fucking hard and heart opening. This post is an update on the last few months in this life of mine, it’s likely going to be long. There has been a LOT happening. If you’re here reading this you probably already know part of the story so far, if not you can catch up on it here.

Reading that post back to myself was interesting. An opportunity to reflect on how I intended for it to go on that side of things vs the reality of how things unfolded. Oh Kate, you are an optimistic one.

Firstly, with all the best intention in the world. These challenges come to do just that, challenge us. Some of stumbles, trips and blockages were predictable: build times, the flow of human commitments and schedules, money. The human elements seem to be the wildest part. How the choices of others ripple out. How triggers and reactivity play out and how I can now respond when pushed beyond my previous limits, far beyond what 2 months ago Kate thought she was capable of handling.

I tried to go in with little expectation and fuck tonne of open mindedness, hope and surrender. Did I achieve this? Yes, I feel like I did overall. There was a fair amount of resistance and a lot of ugly crying (as I knew there would be). I had to lean on a lot of people in ways that made me, or maybe past me, deeply uncomfortable. Then I had to be held not just lean. I felt the fear of coming unravelled and had to find the strength to admit it and just surrender to receiving that support. Fortunately, I have a lot of great people in my life. I am so grateful to the people who came through for me. I also have plenty more processing and shadow work to do around all of this. It still makes me uncomfortable. It was a lot.

Let’s fill in some parts before I ramble on about the ‘witchy-woo-woo journey’ bit.

I have moved and landed in my new space. I won’t share where it is publicly for privacy and safety reasons. I’ve been given permission to occupy a bit of space out on the land (not full time, but my animals are here and I can use it as a base) and shape it to align with my calling to continue creating containers for my community to connect, heal and grow together. It needs a lot of work. I’m hoping to co-create something with said community. I have big dreams. I do just need a moment to get back to putting myself out there. I’m very raw, like I’ve been cracked apart. It’s hard to put the feelings into words. Vulnerable, connected, soft, excited, inspired, anxious, wounded, reflective, triggered, grateful, afraid, hopeful. So many feelings in one body. It feels like great potential and not doing very much all at once.

My tiny home is not yet finished but habitable. Pandora cat is adjusting but still sketchy. I’m keeping her in at night. She is pissed about this and behaving accordingly. The ferrets get walks at the moment, I cant let them out in the room until it’s had more work. Which means Mim is stressed but Fezzik gives zero fucks. I miss playtime and cuddles but love watching them explore outside.

The beginning…

So, back to the events as they unfolded. I was hopeful, feeling equipped and supported to crowdfund and embrace the adventure. A few days (DAYS!!!) after receiving news about the house being sold. My ‘snack’ also gave me news that our relationship was no longer compatible. It’s ok. it happens. I go into relationships with the awareness that they all come to an end one way, or another. It helps me be present and mindful in relationship. To value every moment. I love her. the love isn’t lost. But for now the support, comfort and contact is. I felt like ground gave way from under me. Damn Eclipse season. The realisation that I already had very hard things to do, now I had to do while tending grief and working through a bunch of triggered abandonment issues, tipped me into living 1 moment at a time. I could do nothing but feel my feelings and accept it. I’ll be honest that took a long time. I’ve only just come to terms with it. I have a really strong sense of justice and in the handling of it I feel like I was not handled fairly. It happens we are all just monkeys in shoes. Anger is the emotion I struggle to process the most and it came up a few times as until recently, I didn’t have much clarity about why this had happened. My creative survival brain tried to fill in the blanks which is usually worst case scenario’s.

The wind had been taken from my sails and yet I had no choice but to keep going. I was supported and held by friends and chosen family. There were a lot of wholesome and funny human moments between as they tried to help me navigate this. A favourite of mine being a dude, whom I love, but has a very different lived experience to me. He’s very practical. When I told him about the break-up and he could see how much I was hurting, he want straight to that practical only mindset. He said ‘look Kate, you can’t worry about that right now. You have to focus on the build. Just put the emotions to one side and focus on getting the build done.”

I nearly died laughing. I love how different humans are. I felt the love there and how this is his way of showing that but also, I’m sorry. (I’m not) what terrible advice for me (and in my opinion, in general). I am 70% feelings, the rest is hair. When I finished laughing, I told him it was ok. I would just have to make space to feel all the feelings, process them and do the build as well. Also I can’t actually build things like that. It’s not my skill set. So, ‘doing the build’ was compromised of this guy helping me with all the measurements, drawing, ordering materials. He’s an absolute legend. Then I had to put my pride and hyper-independence to one-side and ask for so much help from people who do have those skills. And push the crowdfund. And feel my feelings. And process the feelings. And not succumb to despair.

My creative survival brain, I call him Gavin, went into overdrive. I was in full fight or flight. The old patterns tempted me down old paths. I just wanted to lay down and give-up. But I knew I couldn’t. My inner teen wanted to burn it all to the ground. Couldn’t do that either. So again I kept doing the things. Not drinking, calling friends, going for walks, crying, journaling, eating, (mostly struggling with) sleeping, working. I organised a build weekend which was a bit of a flop as a stomach bug was going round and life just gets in the way sometimes. I tried to stay calm, deep down I knew it meant I was going to have to keep coming back and asking for more support. I really didn’t want to.

The Horrors Persist, Yet So Do I

The leaving of the house of all things was unnecessarily stressful in my opinion. The expected stress of moving, clearing out and downsizing was actually the least of it. I’m pleased to say my landlady and I managed to hold onto our intention to be kind and understanding with each other. It was important to me, not to fall into the trap humans sometimes fall in. The one where it subconsciously it feels easier to part on bad terms and look for reasons to fall out.

What I hadn’t predicted was the misguided choices of my youngest housemate (who is the landladies daughter and akin to a sibling for me) and the troubles of unhinged young people. A young man saw an opportunity to use this crumbling situation and move in for the last part of our tenancy. I was ok with it when asked but stipulated “If he is helpful or neutral, ok. Anything other than that is going to be unacceptable”. I had a lot on my plate and nobody needs more nonsense in this situation. Que nonsense.

He was not neutral he was unhinged, entitled and false. He was keeping me up at night and having told me he was a risk when he was high; days later was off his face. I spoke to my landlady because hey, that’s what we agreed. She told him it was unacceptable and had to go. Then he got violent. Verbally attacked me then made threats and trashed the house. Apparently he’s very sorry. Absolute fuckery.

The fallout of this for me, was that the childhood trauma triggers had been pressed. Violence in my home and not feeling safe was more the norm than not in my timeline. The dysregulation meltdown I had been barely holding off so far loomed. I called some friends. They came through for me and sat with me. They even slept over so I could feel safe enough to sleep myself. We watched a lot of bluey and I went cold water swimming. I tried not to add to it by being more upset that time was slipping away and I already had so much to do. But, I know I can’t do anything from this dysregulated space so, opposite to the practical suggestion from earlier Dude friend. I had to put the build, and move, to one side for a few days and try to regulate my system.

Once again in my life, I had the realisation that I had asked for this lesson. I said I wanted community, I wanted to learn to receive, I wanted expansion. I was talking to a member of my tribe, while holding back my tears waiting for pizza (thank fuck for big sunglasses) I was still tending the grief around my break up and how hard I was finding it all. I said (out loud because I am a dumb, dumb bitch) “I’m just so fed up of needing my hand held all the time”. Then BOOM afore mentioned fuckery from drug addled, violent young man. I’ve really gotta stop saying that shit out loud. I screamed to the gods that I didn’t mean it as a challenge. Apparently I actually am capable of handling all this. I will learn to receive support and it will be painful AF. I tried to lean into my faith in the path that I am on. It wouldn’t be happening if I couldn’t handle it. The maniacal laughter had started. It’s all I could do to keep going.

With acceptance of that support, I was picked back up and put back on my, all be it rather wobbly feet. I was honest on my socials, people responded. I’ve had so many conversations with others sharing my experience. People donated. The local community came to my aid. The building of my tiny home continued. The donations I received paid for materials and some labour. Most of the build work ( and my feelings about my incapability around it) was carried by my remaining partner aka my ‘garnish’.

*polyamory sidenote time* ethical non-monogamy is not easy. It takes a lot of work around self-awareness and communication but for me, so worth the work. Does having this connected loving relationship take away the heart ache of another ending. No. No it didn’t. The same as my other very close relationships with friends didn’t stop it hurting. It does help soothe the pain in some ways. It also brings a bucket load of other work to do around interdependency and secure relationships. Addressing your own attachment dysfunctions, keeping responsibility to do that work as mine. But this is a whole other post I can go into later. Onwards with the story.

So Close, Surely Nothing Else Could Happen Now?

Moving day came. I did my best. I used some of the crowdfund money to pay for movers while my tribe worked frantically to get my floor and door done. Money well spent once I got over how big a chunk it would take. The movers had to leave my stuff on a bit of driveway while it was being finished. That’s how close to the wire it was. I moved the animals over last. I was nearly done. Just had to go back and tidy up the old house a bit and get the bed. At this point I am hanging on by a thread. I felt like I was dragging myself across a finish line, bleeding out just saying ‘nearly there. So close. then I can rest’ my loved ones cheering me on. Some of them also very tired from carrying me too. I think I’d dissociated by now. My response to the question “how are you doing?” was just a cry-laugh sound.

At the last moment, the insensitivity and patterning of another human hit the last trigger. Made all the more painful because I considered this one a close friend. I actually am not ready to talk about the ins-and-outs of it on here yet. I haven’t closed the loop on it. It felt like kicking a woman when she was down. Some part of me knows it was just another necessary lesson in this story. That when someone has a problem with you 99% of the time it is a reflection of how they feel bout themselves. Once its passed I will gather the wisdom from it and integrate it accordingly. For now though, my work around it is to not let myself become bitter. Not an easy task.

I was doing so well at holding my hyper-independent tendencies at bay. It’s taking a lot of work to hold myself through and tell myself that with a little time and centring I will come back to asking for help. I have to really. The house isn’t finished and the outdoor space is a huge nettle patch. Also, begrudgingly I know it is where my heart lies. Community supporting each other. I have to practise what I preach and without being pushed, it seems I was taking to long to get out of my comfort zone and fucking do it.

And So, She Landed With A Bump

So now you’re all caught up. We’ve been living in this state of semi completion for a few weeks. I took the first week off to settle the cat in, stressful in itself. My cat is something else in a cat skin and our neighbours are chickens, she has never seen a chicken or this much space. Also, being self employed that choice is going to limit my advances financially for a few weeks.

Tentatively, I am tiptoeing into what this new life will be. I’ve been sleeping a lot, crying a lot but these are tears of healing not frustration, journaling, laying in the grass, eating, sneezing a lot (hayfever is savage when you essentially live in a field) Everything takes twice as long to do out here but it creates more space for ritual and connection. Some of my rent is in labour. I am realising my body is not young anymore. I have to save some energy for feeding myself at the end of the day or it all becomes very hard to do. The dawn chorus is so loud. It feels amazing to be out at night, looking up at the stars and feeling somewhat safe still. My life is my own for a bit. There is a new level of feeling free. Free to fill this cleared space. Free to be soft for a bit. Free to dream up all I’m going to do out here. Free to be grounded and hopeful. Free to take my time and allow things to happen on their own timeline, however that comes (though I ask for gentleness and mercy until I feel a bit stronger) When I get to being shiny again. It won’t even be like I was before. I know I’ve grown into something greater. That shine is going to be a fucking beacon to something epic. There are future versions of us who are celebrating it together.

The Takeaway

I’ve had some time to tend the wounds and reflect on this particular battle. Something I will continue to do. I wonder how future crone Kate will see it all? I see a lot of growth in the having to receive. Pushing the limits of what I would have willingly signed up for. Growth happens in the hard parts. I’ve done a lot of hard things but none with as much self awareness and grace as I was able to give myself in this. It was messy but I didn’t make it worse by adding to the mess. One thing I can be proud of myself for. Also, that was hard. Growing new neural pathways and not giving into old patterns is physically draining. The constant suggestions my Gavin brain was trying to give me to take control of any aspect of this situation was loud and somewhat ridiculous. Everyday I had to battle with myself to stay on top of it and act rather than react.

I talk a lot about Masculine and Feminine Archetypes. How the ebb and flow within these two energies is unique within each of us and finding harmony is what helps us to move from our highest purpose. This is a personal journey I embarked on when woke up to how much internalised misogyny had affected my life. Though it is an ongoing journey I had been feeling pretty settled with it. Usually more comfortable in my feminine, allowing myself and experiences to ‘be’ and flow. Knowing I am also comfortable in my masculine also when it comes to ‘doing’ as long as I am not trapped into only the masculine. There was a lot of doing to be done in this.

I feel like I fought a war to get myself here. I fought to stay afloat, to keep my walls strong but not impenetrable . I had many conversations with my inner warrior. The last 2 weeks my want for softness and flow was so loud. I tried to create as much space as I could to ‘be’ but they were fleeting. offering small moments of relief like letting air out of a balloon. little squeaks at a time.

The pendulum swung too far one way for my liking. Though I know it was necessary and future Kate will understand and be able to explain better. For now I am focusing on seeking that balance once more. Which means I am being heavy with following my flow and moving from my feminine. Things will settle into greater harmony once more and I will be wiser for it.

There is something in here on honouring the fact that I have needs. Basic needs for safety and sanctuary, needs for fulfilment to my purpose, needs in relationship. My conditioning taught me to not be needy. That to be ‘high-maintanence’ was a bad thing. As a child to push my needs aside was expected. Sometimes it was to keep myself safe, other times not to rattle the cage. This has been a huge lesson in learning what my needs are and not only meeting them myself but expressing them to others. It felt horrible. Sickening. On the one hand “of course I have needs, I am human”. On the other “I can meet my own needs” or “no I don’t need anything”.

Hyper-independence is a strange beast. It comes from all the times I was let down in my formative years. Built upon by all the times I tried to be brave and was let down again or worse. So you learn to not need anything from anyone. until something arises and you have to find that courage again. To say “Hey I think I need this, can you help me”. Things go one way or the other. 1 point for ‘see that wasn’t so bad, well done for being brave’ trying desperately to counter balance the thousands of points on the column marked ‘fuck that, I’ll do it myself’. In this experience I have a lot more marks in category 1 than before. I will not let the 2 or 3 in the ‘compound the trauma’ box be my only reality. It is both/and not either #/or from here on out. I will not give in to the temptation to abandon humanity because a couple of them hurt me. I will be brave and gentle with myself, for a while until my resilience returns. until that time my boundaries will stand firm around who has access to my energy. If your not capable of being gentle with me at this time please stay away (oh look, I made a request for a need to be met, Ew, I hate it)

Thanks for being here and sharing my journey with me. If you like my work and feel called to support this next stage of my build and what I intend to create here you can donate through the button below or my crowdfund. You can subscribe to gain access to my premium content here. You’ll find a tonne of my personal rituals, spells and recipes. The magical correspondence list alone is well worth it if you are crafting your own spells/charms/incense/recipes.

I have much to do before I can get my circles up and going again. I also need a wood burner before winter comes and a tonne of groundwork, paint, probably more fucking expensive wood. A compost loo needs to go up. So much to do. But not today.

love you bye!

*I’m a one witch show. If you want to show your support for my work and make a donation hit the button below or subscribe to receive premium content directly to your inbox. Any and all support is gratefully received*