The Life,Musings and Experiences of a Modern Witch

I am writing this piece from the comfort of my bed with a hot water bottle, supportive tea blend and a belly full of kale and spinach (alright, cheese as well. Cheese makes me happy). Some people find it uncomfortable or poor etiquette to talk about menstruation (it is fucking uncomfortable so, pussy up!). If that is you, I challenge you to ask yourself why and also, stick around and educate yourself a little. I’d also like to give a nod to those who are without a menstrual cycle for whatever reason and those with one that causes them dysphoria and unnecessary suffering. I see you and you are welcome here.

Strap in, this is going to be a long rant I’ve broken into 6 (or so) parts

My Early Personal Experiences

This subject is one I will gladly drag my soap box out for as I feel it is important and not discussed as often/loudly as it should be. This might be a societal issue or a generational issue it can definitely be a gender issue (the patriarchy rant is coming). My personal journey has been lengthy, uncomfortable and so very insightful; that I am always happy to talk about it. I struggle to comprehend how something so natural can still be considered a taboo subject. In fact I refuse to allow it, so here is my early experience: for context, I am ciswoman, conditioned as such. The youngest of three siblings and only girl I was born in 1988 so, the societal view of menstrual cycles was as it was, appalling. Though I have worked hard at deconstructing that conditioning, there is much to overcome. At the time I didn’t question it. I was only focused on surviving. I (now know) was living in a constant state of freeze and disassociation. Embracing my cycle helped me break free of this later in life. There is so much power in it.

As a child I was informed of what a period was, the basic biology. In my early teens my mother had more frank and honest discussions with me. Then came the awkward sex-education classes at school where we were split into gendered groups. This is my first bone of contention. OK it was the the late 90’s/early 2000’s but already it was creating unnecessary segregation and misunderstanding.

We were given sanitary products and told how to use them. We were told that we might experience some PMT. We were taught about contraception options but not in detail. We were not taught about female pleasure, consent or the impact of hormonal contraception on our developing bodies. The boys, well, I don’t actually know what they were taught but they came out with free condoms and hilarious anecdotes of blowing them up and floating them around the room. I understand this isn’t the way things are done anymore (thank fuck!) so I’ll leave it at that apart from that we did have one girl in our friendship group who’s parents withheld this education from her; we had a ‘carrie moment’. She got her first period and thought she was dying. She was also embarrassed to even discuss it. Couldn’t even say the word ‘vagina’. We had to explain to her that it was normal (notice we didn’t say ‘natural’). At this young age we helped her hide it because we felt that was the right thing to do.

I got my first period within the same year. I remember I was in a science class, I felt a sudden wetness between my thighs and checked. Upon realising what was happening I asked to be excused, visited the nurse as my mother had instructed me, and whispered (literally) that I needed a sanitary towel. That was it- “Here you go now back to class”. fairly ‘normal’ experience for most of us. Unfortunately for me, my absence did not go unnoticed by my peers. Someone had seen me check the outside of my trousers and started a rumour that I was caught pleasuring myself. Teenagers can be so cruel, looking back I see how the taboo and lack of information around female pleasure permeated our environment but, that’s a subject for another day perhaps.

So, here I was, 12 years old, shy (I know, you wouldn’t think it now but I had my reasons), just trying to crack on with my life, now having to decide which was more embarrassing: people knowing I had got my period or people thinking I was having a lady wank over mitosis. I went with the former and put up with the immaturity of the males in my class. I guess they didn’t appreciate me pointing out that their mothers menstruate every month too. My predominantly female friendship group supported me and the teasing stopped after a couple of weeks.

I told my mother I had got my period but not about the bullying. She was oddly (in my mind at the time) proud, I think she bought me chocolate and told my brothers to leave me alone. My brothers still aren’t comfortable with women discussing ‘women’s things’ around them, (if you’re reading this brothers mine, I am not sorry for publicly calling you out.) part of the same generation as myself, taught it wasn’t something to discuss. That it is disgusting and shameful.

The other abhorrent behaviour that came from this time; and one that still happens today is when a woman (actually I’ve heard it said to men too, which further demonstrates how ridiculous it is) is behaving in an emotional way, perhaps seemingly irrationally, and someone asks them if they are on their period. Usually closely followed by telling them to ‘calm down’. What kind of sexist, emotion shaming fuckery is that supposed to be?! What is the expected response here? Is it meant to point out that I’m being crazy or irrational? Has anybody ever said “you’re right, I’ll calm down now”?! I don’t know about you darlings, but this is a sure fire way to tip me into a blind rage regardless of where I am in my cycle. Anyway, I’ll leave that rant where it is.

It wasn’t long before I asked for contraception and was given ‘the pill’ Microgynon. There was never a conversation about how this would affect my body, my development and most importantly my mental health. It was simply a case of “don’t become a pregnant teenager”. fair enough. I didn’t want that. So I stayed on the pill until I was 28.

Why 28? My depression kicked in at about 13 around the same time I started taking the pill. I guess we will never know if it was because of past/ongoing trauma, neurodivergence and genetics; possibly worsened by the hormone affecting drugs, or not. I had conversations with my partner at the time (when I was 27) about wanting to know what my mental health was like without this drug. Other women who started taking it later in life told me how it had made them feel and they had stopped. My partner said he wanted to support me but didn’t want to use condoms. I spoke to my Dr; he told me he didn’t want me coming back 6 months later with an unwanted pregnancy (neither did I, fucking dodged a bullet with that one!) I asked to see a female Dr. The relationship ended for other reasons. I stayed on the pill. Again there was no information given or correlation made between my experience of life (how I suffered) and how this drug was affecting it.

A little later on; I found myself in a situationship with someone else (long story). After a conversation with my friend’s sisters, in which they talked about their experience in stopping so they could start a family, and how they would NEVER go back to that form of contraception: I approached the subject with my new partner. This person encouraged and supported me in coming off the pill. Something I will always, always be grateful for.

When I stopped taking the pill. I became aware of two things: Firstly, it was like
I had been living in soup all of these years. My mental health is immeasurably better. I was very reactive in those days and suffered what I now know are ADHD/PMDD meltdowns. I’ll always be at risk of depression (it flairs up like arthritis) but the low lying, everyday numbness was gone. Even when I was in a high, happy space before, it wasn’t like it is now. Somehow duller, harder, muggy and out of focus. Like trying to swim in treacle.

Secondly, after a few months I started to experience a more natural cycle which has lead me on such a journey of self discovery I am keen to share it. You see, with the pill I was on. You don’t actually have to have a period. It is recommended that you have a break every 28 days and allow yourself a period. I have recently learnt that this is a ‘false period’ and not actually necessary you could just keep taking it and not have a period for ages (that doesn’t seem right to me, stopping a natural part of bodily function). Because of this my ‘periods’ were nothing to write home about. I bled but I felt pretty much the same, a bit hungrier and bloated but generally ok. My whole adult life, I was not getting the same experience with my cycle I now get. It was an awakening for me. One I wanted to embrace and share with others.

What I learnt In the beginning

I learnt a lot all at once in the beginning I’ll give a quick list:

• OUCH! what the fuck is this!? the pain, the cramping, the cravings and all of the other delightful sensations increased.
• Even when I’m in agony, I am expected to just carry on as if nothing is happening. This is unacceptable and needs to be addressed. (which I Intend to do)
• Some months are worse than others in terms of periods, manageability and side-effects
• There are MANY positives to having a natural cycle, increased sex drive when you’re ovulating anyone?
• Animals respond to you differently.
• Dreams are affected.
• indulging your needs rather than fighting them leads to better understanding of yourself and why those needs come up
• hormone break outs, WTF! I already feel pretty uncomfortable now my face can express that all on its own.
• regulating your body temperature is haaaaaaard!
• my intuition is stronger along with my anxiety.
• mittelshmerz (pain when ovulating) is a thing. And I get it some months and not others.
• people still find it uncomfortable to talk about menstruation now, to the point there is still so much misinformation.
• probably my biggest take-away, and what inspired me to seek it fervently, there is wisdom in it. By working with your cycle you can use this wisdom to level up.

Awakening Comes with Rage Which is Just Grief Really

Jump forward a few years and I’m in a relationship with the man I would later marry. On many levels supportive of my expansion until it began to challenge him. Again, a time I am grateful for even though it was such a mess towards the end. It enabled me to grow. Nothing like having all of your triggers landminded at once to push you to do the shadow work. You can read more of that story here should you feel called.

So, I’m in this space. During covid, my rage towards the patriarchy and the realisation of how insidious and ever oppressing it has been in my life burned like a supernova. It was in everything! I had an abundance of time to work on my shadows, read, seek tools and wisdom to support my growth. I was very much in the thick of it and allowing myself to be guided. I had opened up to where my ancestors were leading me and trusted their direction. Trapped in the house as we were, (the only female in our bubble with 4 dudes) my PMT and need for solace and sanctuary but enable to have it had created conflict. I was reading as much as I could to try and find balance for myself so as not to create more conflict. Like if I could use it to hack my cycle and interaction with it, it would be easier for everyone else . Honestly, this is where the rage tipped me over the edge. I learnt about red tent theory, moon wisdom, blood moon mysteries, it was all there. Wisdom I could have had all along, the knowing of it along with awareness of past oppression that kept it from me and the current oppression I was experiencing in my own home because I was the only one going through it. It seethed from me, obviously that didn’t make the energy any better in the house. It was something along the lines of “fuck you all, the entire system is set up for you to thrive. This thing happens to my body and your treating me like an inconvenience for not being fucking cheery and sweet. I’ll eat your face!”

I needed to let the rage out. I took the dog for a walk, bought some wine and called my mother. I was talking to her in my headphones. From an outside perspective you have a woman, walking a husky in the dark, drinking wine from the bottle and shouting at the wind like a nutjob. In that moment I was. I asked my mum what her education had been around it. Of course, it had been similar to mine, there was even less to support her. I told her what I had learnt. I wept that she held guilt because she didn’t have the wisdom to give me. I forgave her and ranted some more about the patriarchy. How there was a reason this wisdom was taken. Because there is reason for this system to keep us from it. It empowers us. We had it once and we can have it again. The connection to self, the cycles of the moon and nature and how this dance can be used between masculine and feminine to find a greater union. I returned home and began more conversations about how I was going to create space for this and requested grace as I found my footing. There was a lot to deconstruct. Lip service was paid. I continued this journey alone.

You can find many, many sources of this wisdom online. You can sign up for courses in and find the flavours that speak to you. Some woo-woo, some very science based all will support your understanding and practice in connecting to your creative energy. I’m going to break it down for you in the way it flows through me. I am sharing it is often and loudly as I can because I want other people who menstruate to have that empowerment it gave me and for those who are partnered with them to have better understanding. I believe if this was common knowledge all can benefit. We can work with these cycles rather than against it. Lift the oppression and let the wisdom guide us to the next level.

*disclaimer* I use the terms masculine and feminine that doesn’t mean man and woman for we each have a different balance of these energies I do not believe gender is binary. All our welcome to this conversation. We acknowledge and accept all bodies and hormone cycles. Not everyone who has a menstrual cycle experiences a 4 week cycle. People with conditions like PCOS and endometriosis have very different experiences as do those on hormone therapy. What I share relates to my experience which is ‘the expected’ 4 week cycle. Others may differ and we should be listening to their experiences and supporting them also.

The Sun and The Moon

The patriarchal society we live in currently operates on the Solar cycle. 24 hours a day. AMAB (male) bodies also have this 24 hour hormone cycle. The entire system is set up to operate around this. The (frankly bullshit) expectation for productivity, health, marketing, medical care, health and science and all the contributing to capitalism comes from this. Yet half the population don’t have this cycle. Ridiculous. Ahem.

So, a person who has this 24hour cycle has a peak in their testosterone when they wake up. They feel energised, bold, confident have access to peak performance in terms of spacial awareness, high libido, all the good shit. They produce Estrogen and Progesterone but in smaller amounts and have around 10x more Testosterone than AFAB people. In the afternoon, Testosterone levels drop, mellowing it out and by evening it is at it’s lowest. This is when activities are more relaxed. Spikes in Testosterone can happen when stimulated with things such as arousal, exercise, alcohol or (weirdly) watching sports. This spike and the drop after can have affects on mood and things like impulse control and boldness. Then sleep and it all begins again in the morning.

The Lunar Cycle lasts (if you have the ‘average’ predictable cycle) 28 days. Each week having a different balance of Estrogen, Testosterone, progesterone. It ebbs and flows. Like the cycles of the moon. I’ll go into the woo-woo witchy bit after (it’s coming I promise). These weeks can be described like the seasons. I use this language and I know others who do so I’mma use it hear. we know that the 28 day cycle is usually counted from day one of your period but for the alignment with seasons were starting with spring which would be week 2, usually around when menstruation ends and peaks around ovulation (around day 14).

• Spring- Estrogen and Testosterone are on the rise. At the time of ovulation at the end of this week, as you tip into summer it is at it’s highest. You have increasing energy, creativity, motivation, libido. I feel like I could fight god at the end of this week. It’s a good time to plan anything that requires you to be bold, outgoing and confident. Some people experience an increase in anxiety due to the testosterone rising as we feel called to act on so much.
• Summer-starts with all that ovulation energy. Estrogen and testosterone are at their highest. You are at your peak at the beginning of the week. It’s a good time to go with the flow of where that energy is taking you. Some people feel like they can achieve their months worth of stuff and I say go for it. Direct all this testosterone into where it wants to go. Be aware that it will peter off at the end of the week so don’t think you can continue as if this is sustainable. Tie up loose ends and prepare for Autumn. Progesterone rises at the end of the week which is a sedative. There is a little dip followed by a rise of Estrogen. Some people (myself included) feel a coupe of days of PMS like symptoms then you bounce back again to ride out the summer vibes.
• Autumn- Testosterone is going back to baseline, Estrogen levels drop and progesterone levels rise. Digestions slows down bringing bloating and water retention, cravings increase as the body prepares for pregnancy (not on my watch thank you). PMS increases. Mood drops, libido drops. It’s time to gather in and prepare for winter. Put energy into lower energy work. Reflection and self care serve you here. We feel an increased need for snuggling.
• Winter- Menstruation and all the joys it brings. Estrogen and Testosterone are at their lowest just before menstruation Progesterone is at it’s highest. When menstruation begins Estrogen begins to rise again but Testosterone rises come later (as menstruation ends) This is your personal winter. Like with the seasons there is a lot of power here. Emotions are heightened as are psychic abilities and a different sort of creativity becomes more dreamy. Dreams are also move vivid. Personally, I’m also not fit for public consumption. Progesterone also increases neurospicy symptoms. I’m more prone to ASD meltdowns, lack of focus or working memory, dyspraxia is rampant. Nervous system symptoms like Asthma, eczema and IBS flair up. It’s a fucking great time (she says sarcastically). Also your immune system is lowered. There is a moment around ovulation where it dips too. Just for added fun.

That’s the basic biology bit. I could rant more here about the internalised misogyny we share and why it angers me so that people still don’t understand why it is important to have this knowledge. Or the comments of privileged ‘men folk’ who think it is as simple for women to just try harder. That there isn’t this massive imbalance in meeting the needs of one cycle compared to another. Breathe Kate. Lets just take it as given and move on with that viewpoint present shall we?

The Woo-Woo Witchy Bit

I’ll break this down into 2 parts the personal level and the collective, Micro and Macro, as below, so above.

On the personal level. Having an awareness of how you experience your cycle and leaning into it brings harmony within yourself. You can attune to your body, celebrate and honour it’s cycles and craft a life that sees the gifts of each stage within it.

For example, in spring you set intention, sow the seeds of what you will do with your summer. Plan the things that require the most energy, sexy explorations, driving tests, public speaking. Make the plans in sprint. Momentum is power, having a path laid out for it is excellent practice. When Summer comes, you can ride that wave. This is where your personal Solar energy is at it’s peak. The combination of your feminine and Masculine energy working together to bring about greatness. Let it rip and lean into it. Go out dancing, follow what feels shiny to you. Let your shiney energy go into your relationships and projects. Ask for what you want and know you are at your best for communicating

When Autumn comes and that energy slows down. As do you, seek reflection and decompression. Gather in what you’ve learnt and the fruits of your labour. (sidenote I love the word ‘labour’ in this context. Because you’ve birthed something with all the creativity and direct force in you, the connections and language here feels meta to me). Also, prepare for the coming winter. Connect with your body ask it what it may need. Look at your diary for that week. Do you need to clear some space and be more realistic about what can be achieved with the energy you feel coming. I have definately been guilty of planning lots at my peak and then having to drag myself through things I could have pushed back. We are more passive and open at this time, that increased desire for snuggling supports having those deeper connections and conversations with loved ones. let your heart lead as emotions rise and the communication has yet to meet it’s winter.

Then comes Winter. Now I have a whole rant in itself on the disrespect given to this time. It is is sacred and should always have been treated as such. The belief that darkness, death, bleeding is bad or shameful, dishonours the wisdom to be found in the darkness. It speaks to only having honour for the light. You can not have one without the other. The beauty of the growth that happens in the dark cannot be found in the light. I see this in our psyche, world view, the monotheist religions that used this reflection of a woman’s a cycles as reasons to oppress, control, and dissect from their idea of human let alone respect as divine. The power to be found in it, is exactly what the patriarchy is afraid of. It’s the very reason for it to be kept from those who can use this power. It is this realisation that had me howling in the wind, embracing our cycles is an act of revolution. If you can have the space to be embodied through each winter you have access to the depths of wisdom (which is why we will have to carve it out for ourselves). I use this time to journal, feel my feelings, give my body what it asks for in terms of nourishment.

There is an idea that your menstrual experience in terms of pain, discomfort, lessons, dreamings and arising emotions at the time, are reflective of your experience of the last cycle. I’ve enjoyed musing on this when I’m in my winter. It adds to my cyclical and ever expanding self awareness.

There is usually a drinking wine and enjoying something camp. I dance a lot. I release the built up energy I have held for four weeks. I keep a dream journal and make a lot of space for mediation and ritual practice. My spellcraft is honed to the darker work of releasing and alchemising it into new ideas. My creativity flows but in terms of mindmaps and work I can do from bed (hence this piece). I set intentions and plan ahead for my next summer. If everyone with this Lunar cycle had space for this work the collective will level up rapidly (hence this piece being here). It is a missing piece in our selves, in our practice and the collective.

Which brings me to the Macro. For the reasons just mentioned, The impact of more people being able to live their lives in greater harmony with their cycles, would have a beneficial impact on interpersonal relationships, a persons productivity, ability to achieve their highest purpose and view of self worth and value to society. It’s about going with, rather than against. Greater harmony and union on all levels. Championing and respecting the full cycle rather than a false amputated one.

Adding to this is the power of momentum itself. When AFAB people connect, our cycles sync up. They also synchronise with the cycles of The Moon for various periods. This power can be pooled, it does it naturally anyway. I’ve been working with the lunar cycles for years. This year I began hosting Circle’s at my house. Many of us synch up with the moon and each other. There is a belief that when you bleed with the new moon, it means one thing as opposed to with the full moon. I think that relationship is so deeply personal and unique to each person only they would know. I will say that I have noticed a less conflict and drama when I am in harmony with the moon (bleeding at the new moon) and increased control of the direction of power when I’m at my peak. I also love a bit of chaos so am comfortable in both.

There is a belief (and I believe it) that we were a matriarchal society once. Without false light or manmade factors affecting hormones, people were more in sync with each other and the moon. This would have had ritual and reverence held for it. Our society moved in greater harmony with the moon and the solar seasons. This is why our festival days were in harmony with the moon. There would have been 13, 28 day cycles in a year. These times are returning, with the dark feminine reclamation I see in the world, living through late stage capitalism and the fall of the patriarchy. This is where I am lead. This is the part of the puzzle. Feel around it’s edges. Explore it for yourself. Take it for yourself and share it with others.

Rant over… for now anyway.

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